Two years later: The last of the paperwork...

Our desk is littered again with papers as I work to fill out an I-600 and I-864W for each of the boys, in preparation for our embassy appointment. Spent a decent chunk of my morning tediously going over paperwork, making sure every word is spelled correctly, reminding myself that our legal wedding date is a few days before the day we actually celebrated it and publicly took our vows, making sure there are no errors or discrepancies.

It has been exactly three weeks since we said goodbye to Bereket and Tamagn. Seems longer. Seems very far away. I have struggled throughout this whole 2 year process for it to seem real. In the middle of the long waiting, it was very hard to keep wanting. I don't like loose ends and this felt like a big one. One that had too much of my heart wrapped up in it.

But then, not enough of my heart because sometimes I'd forget. Go days without thinking about my children out there somewhere. And I'd struggle with wondering if I really wanted this at all.

I have walked long enough with the Lord, and read enough C.S. Lewis, to understand the vacillations of our fickle human hearts. And to not be scared stiff because of them. These three weeks since we said goodbye have been full. I have days when I really miss my little Bereket and I dream of Josiah and him sitting in our sandbox, digging together. I'll open the drawers, ready with his little clothes, and dream of dressing him. I wonder if he'll love books as much as we do. And then I remember how good it felt to hold a sleeping baby. My baby. And I'll just stand and stare at the empty crib that is set up again, after two years in storage. So thankful to have a reason to put it up.

Social and psychological assessments on the boys came to us via email earlier this week and the words in the subject line made it all come rushing back, reminding me that while so often it feels very surreal, in actuality it is very real.

Tamagn Unverzagt.

Bereket Unverzagt.

They have been given a new name. Our name. They are part of our family, even though they are not here yet.

I got to write their new names on those forms I filled out. Liked it a lot. As much as I like telling people now that I have three boys.